Thank you for writing this. I'm sorry you went through that. I just wanted to say that my mum left when I was a child, and it's so unusual that it's a relief to see you write about it. The circumstances for me were different (my mum found it very, very hard to go, but I still felt rejected), but I know exactly what you mean about "code switching" between houses. It must've been awful to go back and forth between two such very different places, especially having two such very different step-parents (what was your stepdad thinking, joking about you jumping off a cliff? And how dare your stepmum confiscate shoes which your *mum* bought for you?).
As a child, depending on which house I was in, I behaved as if that other life, and those other people didn't exist. I noticed very early on that if I *did* mention them or that other existence, there was sudden awkwardness, and it made me itchy. I needed to avoid the awkwardness. So I just pretended and became a "people-pleaser" - I think, deep down, I wanted to avoid the risk of further rejection. I've had to work very hard at my rejection issues to deal with accepting criticism etc. Or not even criticism - someone pointing out a tiny mistake could potentially send me into a rage in the past.
I don't know if you felt this too, but I have a younger brother as well, and I often buried my feelings in order to protect him. I was behaving like a small adult. I retreated into my imagination so perhaps that's why I'm a writer? Perhaps my love of family history comes from putting the pieces together, not pulling them apart?
Do parents who create these situations ever realise what they're putting children through? I'm not saying people should stay in unhappy marriages, but once they've left, they need to ensure their children aren't silently terrified all the time. My GP's waiting room has a poster on the wall, among ones telling people to get vaccinated, and to see a doctor about persistent coughs saying, "Splitting up? Put your children first." It makes me sad for all the other children every time I see it.
Made me cry 😭 similar background as you say ‘do parents who create these situations ever realise what they’re putting children through ‘ so poignant thank you x
I'm so sorry you had to experience that. Editing yourself like that — guarding what you say ALL of the time — must have been such a source of low-level throbbing stress. As must feeling silently terrified all the time (beautifully put). No child should have to have that. I'm so sorry you did.
Thank you. It was really hard - I was anxious all the time, desperate not to say the wrong thing. And online, you can get keel-hauled for "saying the wrong thing", so that gives me the same feeling in the pit of my stomach sometimes.
Oh god I find the cancel culture online abhorrent. And, to my shame, I used to buy into it. No more!!
FWIW, I feel VERY strongly that, while social media is a useful tool to spread information and stimulate activism, for the *vast majority* of us, our energy is more useful offline. No dictator (or wannabe dictator) is going to go, "Ohhhhhhh, now I've seen this woman's instagram post, I am 100% going to stop invading this country! If only I'd logged on sooner!"
Sharing that in case it's a helpful reminder that you DO NOT HAVE TO post about anything that anyone might take the wrong way. You can send an email to your local politician or sign a petition. Much more useful for the world. I remind myself of this every time I feel nervous about posting or sharing something online that might get taken as "wrong". Leave those actions to people who don't have trauma responses to it! There are plenty of them.
I hope you are able to give yourself grace. And especially send grace to the little Helen who had to bear so much more than any little girl ever should have to. I'm very moved thinking of her right now, and sending her a little hug in my heart.
(unless she didn't like hugs! In which case just a meaningful smile :) )
God. This is what I always hoped Substack would be! I only want to read this, Daisy. More and more of this.
(And yes I have also been very keenly aware through years of profiling successful people for the papers that there is always this massive thud in their childhood. A dead mum or a diagnosis that left them sitting in their bed for much of school or "that year my dad randomly took us to Indonesia, never knew why.")
This has really just blown me away. A really great piece of writing, made me feel incredibly uneasy. I don’t know how you can write about so MUCH so elegantly and succinctly. Thank you.
Also, I used to work for a very rich person, whose even richer father (Times rich list top20😳) was born poor, the youngest of 8 kids, who got TB, and spent a year in bed thinking he was going to die at the age of 11. He was very proud of this and told everyone. I only knew him when he was in his 80’s and even then he still had more drive to succeed than I think I’ve ever had. He was equal parts terrifying and inspiring.
“But on the other hand it doesn’t take much – an unreturned phone call, a curt email – to send me into quagmire of self loathing. I will feel every word of a bad review like a brand on my skin, but I also feel that unless I keep making things I have no purpose.” - ouch. Direct hit. I have overcome much and emigrated at 19, but I still struggle with the idea that I have any intrinsic value. What’s the point of me unless I’m always doing and fixing? My sons have no doubt that I am there for them absolutely, a confidence I have never felt.
Hey, while I know…sort of…what your university tutor was saying, I’m not sure invincible is really where one ends up as the adult from a difficult childhood.
It seems much more as you set out so clearly here: a kind of two state quality. Fearless and fearful. But, it’s that quality of being two things at once, or holding two realities in one’s mind, that feels creative (I guess the alternative would be for it to feel debilitating).
I think your final point about writing being making things happen on the page (and, man, that page can sure feel real) is wonderfully crystallising. I’ve been thinking about something Emma said on her Stack about Andrew Sean Greer who said one reason he became a writer was because he was a fan. I loved it for his honesty, it wasn’t high fallutin or earnest or up himself, and because it helped me think about why I dig writing: much of it is because when I read I am a fan of writers: awestruck at their, swept into the worlds they create or show, and I’m into the notion of trying it for myself. And now, you’ve helped me elaborate this a bit more with this piece.
Gosh, so many resonances here. Like you, I only realised the enormity of my mothers decision to walk away when I had my own children (I was older than you but had feared her departure for years) . And I never found the right response to her (defiant? Nonchalant? Defensive?) ‘ you’ve turned out fine , haven’t you?’ Or not one that would honour the whole of my experience. Thank you 🙏
Thank you for sharing this 💖 I relate to so much of what you’ve written, and it’s a relief to have a lot of the things I’ve felt but struggled to communicate, verbalised so beautifully. Thank you.
Human beings are amazing sometimes, aren’t they? Mind boggling but also, I suppose, good fodder… I am a little older than you but I currently live two lives - Fri/Sat to Tues I live with my partner, weekdays I am at home. That takes a certain amount of mental gymnastics, though v different to what you went through.
That is very kind thank you.
Thank you for writing this. I'm sorry you went through that. I just wanted to say that my mum left when I was a child, and it's so unusual that it's a relief to see you write about it. The circumstances for me were different (my mum found it very, very hard to go, but I still felt rejected), but I know exactly what you mean about "code switching" between houses. It must've been awful to go back and forth between two such very different places, especially having two such very different step-parents (what was your stepdad thinking, joking about you jumping off a cliff? And how dare your stepmum confiscate shoes which your *mum* bought for you?).
As a child, depending on which house I was in, I behaved as if that other life, and those other people didn't exist. I noticed very early on that if I *did* mention them or that other existence, there was sudden awkwardness, and it made me itchy. I needed to avoid the awkwardness. So I just pretended and became a "people-pleaser" - I think, deep down, I wanted to avoid the risk of further rejection. I've had to work very hard at my rejection issues to deal with accepting criticism etc. Or not even criticism - someone pointing out a tiny mistake could potentially send me into a rage in the past.
I don't know if you felt this too, but I have a younger brother as well, and I often buried my feelings in order to protect him. I was behaving like a small adult. I retreated into my imagination so perhaps that's why I'm a writer? Perhaps my love of family history comes from putting the pieces together, not pulling them apart?
Do parents who create these situations ever realise what they're putting children through? I'm not saying people should stay in unhappy marriages, but once they've left, they need to ensure their children aren't silently terrified all the time. My GP's waiting room has a poster on the wall, among ones telling people to get vaccinated, and to see a doctor about persistent coughs saying, "Splitting up? Put your children first." It makes me sad for all the other children every time I see it.
Made me cry 😭 similar background as you say ‘do parents who create these situations ever realise what they’re putting children through ‘ so poignant thank you x
It's so hard coming from that background ❤️
I'm so sorry you had to experience that. Editing yourself like that — guarding what you say ALL of the time — must have been such a source of low-level throbbing stress. As must feeling silently terrified all the time (beautifully put). No child should have to have that. I'm so sorry you did.
Thank you. It was really hard - I was anxious all the time, desperate not to say the wrong thing. And online, you can get keel-hauled for "saying the wrong thing", so that gives me the same feeling in the pit of my stomach sometimes.
Oh god I find the cancel culture online abhorrent. And, to my shame, I used to buy into it. No more!!
FWIW, I feel VERY strongly that, while social media is a useful tool to spread information and stimulate activism, for the *vast majority* of us, our energy is more useful offline. No dictator (or wannabe dictator) is going to go, "Ohhhhhhh, now I've seen this woman's instagram post, I am 100% going to stop invading this country! If only I'd logged on sooner!"
Sharing that in case it's a helpful reminder that you DO NOT HAVE TO post about anything that anyone might take the wrong way. You can send an email to your local politician or sign a petition. Much more useful for the world. I remind myself of this every time I feel nervous about posting or sharing something online that might get taken as "wrong". Leave those actions to people who don't have trauma responses to it! There are plenty of them.
I hope you are able to give yourself grace. And especially send grace to the little Helen who had to bear so much more than any little girl ever should have to. I'm very moved thinking of her right now, and sending her a little hug in my heart.
(unless she didn't like hugs! In which case just a meaningful smile :) )
Oh, yes, I avoid writing about anything contentious! There are people out there who'll pick a fight in an empty room, so I keep away.
Little Helen says thank you!
God. This is what I always hoped Substack would be! I only want to read this, Daisy. More and more of this.
(And yes I have also been very keenly aware through years of profiling successful people for the papers that there is always this massive thud in their childhood. A dead mum or a diagnosis that left them sitting in their bed for much of school or "that year my dad randomly took us to Indonesia, never knew why.")
Thankyou for writing it. An act of generosity.
Vivid and sad, but utterly unselfpitying. Thank you, Daisy. Xx
This has really just blown me away. A really great piece of writing, made me feel incredibly uneasy. I don’t know how you can write about so MUCH so elegantly and succinctly. Thank you.
Also, I used to work for a very rich person, whose even richer father (Times rich list top20😳) was born poor, the youngest of 8 kids, who got TB, and spent a year in bed thinking he was going to die at the age of 11. He was very proud of this and told everyone. I only knew him when he was in his 80’s and even then he still had more drive to succeed than I think I’ve ever had. He was equal parts terrifying and inspiring.
What a vivid, absorbing and moving piece
“But on the other hand it doesn’t take much – an unreturned phone call, a curt email – to send me into quagmire of self loathing. I will feel every word of a bad review like a brand on my skin, but I also feel that unless I keep making things I have no purpose.” - ouch. Direct hit. I have overcome much and emigrated at 19, but I still struggle with the idea that I have any intrinsic value. What’s the point of me unless I’m always doing and fixing? My sons have no doubt that I am there for them absolutely, a confidence I have never felt.
Fascinating and harrowing, Daisy. Must have been so hard, but thank goodness you were/are resilient.
Very engaging and interesting. Thank you
Excellent
I can relate to a lot of this, Daisy. And just so you know, you are a WINNER! Don't forget that.
I think the 1970s was a time when many men and women became quite keen on fulfilling their own needs and abandoning those of their children.
Hey, while I know…sort of…what your university tutor was saying, I’m not sure invincible is really where one ends up as the adult from a difficult childhood.
It seems much more as you set out so clearly here: a kind of two state quality. Fearless and fearful. But, it’s that quality of being two things at once, or holding two realities in one’s mind, that feels creative (I guess the alternative would be for it to feel debilitating).
I think your final point about writing being making things happen on the page (and, man, that page can sure feel real) is wonderfully crystallising. I’ve been thinking about something Emma said on her Stack about Andrew Sean Greer who said one reason he became a writer was because he was a fan. I loved it for his honesty, it wasn’t high fallutin or earnest or up himself, and because it helped me think about why I dig writing: much of it is because when I read I am a fan of writers: awestruck at their, swept into the worlds they create or show, and I’m into the notion of trying it for myself. And now, you’ve helped me elaborate this a bit more with this piece.
Well that is great to hear - I often don’t know what I think until I start to write. But there has to be a reason I keep writing
Gosh, so many resonances here. Like you, I only realised the enormity of my mothers decision to walk away when I had my own children (I was older than you but had feared her departure for years) . And I never found the right response to her (defiant? Nonchalant? Defensive?) ‘ you’ve turned out fine , haven’t you?’ Or not one that would honour the whole of my experience. Thank you 🙏
Thank you for sharing this 💖 I relate to so much of what you’ve written, and it’s a relief to have a lot of the things I’ve felt but struggled to communicate, verbalised so beautifully. Thank you.
Human beings are amazing sometimes, aren’t they? Mind boggling but also, I suppose, good fodder… I am a little older than you but I currently live two lives - Fri/Sat to Tues I live with my partner, weekdays I am at home. That takes a certain amount of mental gymnastics, though v different to what you went through.
I hope that your situation is one you have chosen and it makes you happy. if it does then anything is as you say is possible
It does make me happy, thank you.