Ten things which should be grounds for divorce but aren't yet...

Forget mental cruelty or desertion- these are the crunch points in a modern marriage

EcoGrinchery -

When one party has decided to fight microplastics by using dishwasher sheets which come in tasteful yellow cardboard boxes instead of those vile plastic pouches, but the other party has decided based on no evidence that said sheets do not deliver the same level of cleaning power and persists in buying and using aforesaid pouches of doom. Other party points to large stack of tasteful yellow boxes, which are being arriving monthly thanks to uncancellable subscription to point out perniciousness of pouches only to find another sack of plastic detergent grenades has been purchased..

Phone Charger Embezzlement - when one party has a dedicated charger clearly labelled which is hidden from visiting adult children who do not respect property rights where chargers are concerned. But on going to bed secure in the knowledge that their spare brain i.e. phone is being charged, wakes to find that phone is dead as other party has embezzled charger for own use ( or worse still taken it on business trip). This crime has occurred even after first party has brought second party their own dedicated charger. Second party claims aforesaid adult children as mitigating circumstance, likening them to followers of Genghiz Khan, but first party is having none of it.

Knife crime - when first party orders bespoke knife with iroko handle from Savernake Knives with custom inscription on blade which says DON’T PUT IN DISHWASHER, and then finds said knife in cutlery basket the iroko handle sadly diminished by use of dishwasher pouches ( see above).

Double Trouble. When first party dresses in chic ensemble of jeans, burgundy sweater and khaki jacket, only to find that second party is wearing uncannily similar but clearly inferior version of said outfit. This is compounded when younger visitor to house says, “ Ahh it’s so sweet when older couples start to dress alike.” Granted that for some couple this is a THING - check out @bonpon511 on Insta for the adorable curated outfits.

But that requires mutual consent.

Boxing Match - when the first party has curated a collection of cardboard boxes suitable for reuse for dispatching items from Frockberg , or to contain Christmas presents or even to hide phone chargers from adult children, only to find that second party has decided to throw away all aforesaid boxes because of irrational fear of clutter. The same applies to equally carefully curated collection of jam jars for future jam or salad dressing making projects. No one should have to buy jam jars when marmalade season approaches.

Ticket Touting - when one party likes to ‘disappear’ penalty charge notices incurred when parking illegally on solo trips, resulting in bailiff clamping car on account of unpaid fines on morning when other party has to take dog to vet. Cost of releasing aforesaid clamp north of £500, cost of mental distress …..

Pronoun Abuse . When one party uses the first person plural to mean the singular second person , as in “ did we reply to that invitation from the Madrigals?”, or “ did we remember to get coffee beans,” or ‘ ‘ do we really need any more random purchases from auction sites?” The pronoun abuse can also be reversed as in “ your friends do drink a lot’ even though said friends have been mutual for last twenty odd years, or ‘ your parties always leave such a mess,.”

Hospital Corners. When one party makes bed perfectly adequately and then other party decides that resulting bed is not up to scratch and decides to remake it as silent reproach to domestic skills of other party. This is performative domesticity as opposed to the routine but essential cleaning of baths, lavatories and descaling of kitchen appliances, performed selflessly by other party. .

Remote Dispraxia - when one party installs elaborate home entertainment system with remote control that takes a few moments to master, but other party does not pay attention to detailed explanation of said remote control’s little quirks. This can result in one party being away on business in another time zone and being woken up by phone call in small hours demanding information on how to “ turn damn thing on.”

Airport Solipsism

When one party is used to traveling alone on business and refuses to modify behaviour in any way to accommodate travelling with other party for recreational purposes. ‘ See you at the gate’ is not conducive to frictionless shopping experience desired by other party who would like first party ‘ to watch their stuff’ while browsing said retail opportunities.

Drunken Backseat Driving

When one party refuses to acknowledge the competence of other party’s driving, taking the wheel at all times except when badger squashingly drunk, and even then daring to criticise other party’s sober negotiation of traffic hazards with sharp intakes of breath, and exclamations ‘ that was a close one.”

The upside is that a couple who despite all above transgressions are still together are either insane, or very well suited.

This post is free but please do subscribe if you enjoyed it, and comments welcome.