My mother was a wonderful daughter to her own mother, she was with her daily, she loved her and she was her best friend. They went everywhere together.
For some reason my grandma left her nothing, in fact even her most precious jewelry she gave to her daughter in law that she couldnt bear. It was such a vicious act. My lovely mum thought it was maybe because grandma made the will at a time when she feared my mum would marry a man and move abroad- however we will never know. I cannot think about my grandmother in any loving way since then, and I think my sisters feel the same.
When my own mum died, she had told us in advance that the money would go to my sister who had greater need. Me and my other sister accepted this completely. However when i got my mum's ring (my inheritance), and on getting it reset discovered it was worth 80 euro, I am ashamed to admit I sat and cried like a baby. is that how much she loved me? or didnt love me?
My older sister told me that it was the ring she always wore and that it was a precious one to her and I have moved on since then. However like you I am fierce on the subject of my own inheritance. my 2 children will get EXACTLY the same. In fact I am finalizing my will now and I will send it to them both. My boy who hasnt got married or bought a house will be compensated for the fact that I have given that to his sister- and they both accept that as fair. I will never ever plant in their minds the insidious thought that in some way either of them, who i would happily die for, means less to me than the other.
As a sidenote my first husband, when his father died, discovered that the family home was going wholly to his sister. He had been led to believe (wilfully deceived as he puts it) into thinking that it would be halved between them. He said if he had been told he could have accepted it as her need was far greater. However a lot of cover ups were done and as a result he has no communication at all today with his mother or sister. in fact they are no longer a family. This breaks my childrens hearts, it is terribly sad as my mother in law, to whom I am still close, was actually a very good mother. All very sad and unnecessary.
I am sorting through some family papers at the moment and found the letter that was sent to my father after my grandmother died. It’s complicated to get into but basically my Nana left nearly everything to her younger son’s son.
Fair enough in many ways – he cared for her and visited regularly, which is more than most of us did. But so did my older sister who spent many hours round there being treated like dirt while remaining loyal and kind. (Nana was an awful person who openly favoured her younger, whiter son and his children)
Nana didn’t have much to leave, I don’t think, but that was because that younger favourite son had remortgaged her house and stolen money from her (he popped up on That’s Life once, being exposed as a charity thief). He also stole money from my father and went to prison for fraud when they were in business together, ruining my father’s reputation and pushing him towards his first heart attack.
So the fact that nearly anything Nana did have was left to my uncle’s son struck me as unfair to my sister even at the time. Worse, Nana left me and two other unmarried sisters (yes there are loads of us) £1000 each, which had been bequeathed by her long-dead husband who I never knew. My brother also got nothing.
Probably I should have given the money to my older sister but I think it most likely went on student debt instead.
(Having written all this out, I wonder if my uncle’s son did deserve it more than anyone else – if only because his own father was such a dreadful crook and probably not a great father… but I expect HIS sister might feel differently.)
This piece couldn't have come at a better time. It's beautiful and incredibly moving and also impressive that you are rising above. I am mostly estranged from my mother by choice, who I love deeply. She wrote to me last week saying that she was having a hard time putting me in her will given the lack of relationship and that if I wanted to be included I needed to respond (within a time frame) to let her know if I would "work" on it. This pained me deeply. I chose to write her and tell that she should do whatever she wanted with her money in the spirit of love. And, that we were in indeed in a relationship as I would also be her daughter, but for now I need to love her from afar. She, unsurprisingly, disagreed. In the end, I chose myself. I'd rather be financially strained with my mental health intact rather spend the next 15 years dancing for something I'm not even sure would come my way. My father too has made it clear that there is nothing left after a second marriage and two additional children. I am the eldest of his four. You touched me when you said that it's not really about the money, it's about the love and I am beginning to grieve this piece now, which is devastating. Thank you for sharing this, it really resonated.
‘Dancing for something that wouldn’t necessarily come your way.’ This is the story of my own experience, well defined.
People who hold their will as a sort of ransom, or indeed blackmail, as they are alive seeking emotional payment in obeisance are evil. I do not know another way to put it. Their self importance is of greater value than their love. I suppose this is defined as Narcissism.
Thank you for simplifying my own experience through your words, helping to make me realize I have been right in my decisions not to play to their dysfunction.
Your story is quite astounding and beautifully told. I didn’t expect to come across something like it here, and suspect I will be processing it for some time. 🤲🏻
I am sorry to read your pain. I have been through similar and know it. You have done the right thing. Self-preservation must be your priority. Sometime after the deaths you will have time to find peace with your relationships with these parents. And occasionally Phillip Larkin will enter your head as you battle your mental health. Good luck with the long road.
What an incredible story. My ears pricked up when you mentioned that your mum left you and your little brother. I was in the same situation… mine left me and my brother at 4 and 3 respectively for a man she fell passionately in love with. They’re still together after 40 + years, and there’s been a lot of prolonged healing, but it certainly raises eternal questions. How wonderful that you prioritised your sibling relationships over the bitterness of a legal dispute ❤️
This is beautifully written, I felt like I was momentarily in the room with your mother. I am so sad for you that she made this decision. A branch of my family was riven apart by a similar situation and the further failure of siblings to right a perceived parental wrong.
Wow thank you so much for writing this, and so powerfully. I am the older of two girls (I’m now 63) and my mother who was already an alcoholic when I was preschool, decided she didn’t like me much when I was about 3 or 4 and quite critical. That never changed though she appeared to dote on my 4 years younger sister. I never saw her again after I was about 12 though I think my sister had some contact. When she died (when I was about 30) and left a will I was convinced she would have left me nothing and you are right - it wasn’t about the money - it was (to me) all about my value to her. In the event she left what little she had to be divided equally between my sister and I and it meant everything. It has meant I have been able to rebuild a relationship in my head with her that never happened in life. Even allow her space in my head. It meant I came to terms with everything. I have subsequently pleaded with in-laws not to cut estranged offspring out (to no avail) and met my now partner who experienced the same fate as the offspring of a first marriage where the estate was left to the children of the second. How one feels about it is rarely about the money.
Inheritance is a curse, isn't it? I often cringe at the attitude of middle-aged people who keep a beady eye on their parent's assets and treat it as wealth-in-waiting. My father, when he was in his sixties and I had a nice (mortgaged) house and an OK job, spoke to me once about some money he was giving my sister to "help her out" because he didn't want me finding out when he was dead in case I felt resentful. I told him I was OK with what he was doing. As youth they had given me a loan for a car which they somehow never bothered to make me repay. They were kind people - not wealthy but comfortable thanks to pensions. I knew if I was in trouble they would try to help me out, but there was little worry of that. So I told him "I don't want to inherit anything and you will be a fool if you leave a lot behind". I wanted he and Mum to enjoy what they had worked for and for him to leave Mum comfortable if she outlived him. That's precisely what happened and, by luck or judgement, their funds lasted until she was 98 even though she needed 2 expensive years of home care before she finally died. The jealousy and misery caused by rows over wills leave a nasty taste in my mouth and I am glad it was avoided in my case. If I had the power, I would make inheritance tax so penal that people would distribute most of their wealth within their lifetime to family or good causes. I find the passing on of power and privilege obscene.
It's a solution for people who don't have to worry about paying the bills! Also people should downsize and release capital if they own an unnecessarily large home. Enjoy your life. Kind and caring children will be delighted for you.
No, I don't believe inheritance is a curse. It just simply comes down to people and how they act, either from justice and charity, or from other motives. You cannot separate charity from justice, without ushering in chaos.
I will never forget the angst and anguish a colleague had when her mother left her sister everything for the same reason as your mother, Daisy. It is true that Jane didn't need the money and her sister did, but her difficult journey with her bi-polar mother did not need to end on yet another punch in the gut - this one from beyond the grave.
I recently created a new will. My estranged eldest daughter, who has been frugal and has invested wisely and does not "need" the money, will have an equal share of my estate.
It is up to her if she wishes to share it with her three less financially secure siblings, but there is no way I would deny her that choice.
My natal family never had much beyond basics so I never gave inheritance a moment’s notice; that's rich people stuff. Due to a good third marriage and wise resource management after children left the nest, one of my parents is reasonably comfortable in retirement and I am pleased about this; this person worked tirelessly to keep food on the table over the years and deserves to enjoy a nice cozy home and some hobbies in the sunset years. I made my way in adult life with essentially no support, financial or otherwise, from either parent. It shocked me that it shocked me when another relative shared that this parent stated to her (no one has said anything to me) that any assets left at end of life will go to local charity and not to children or grandchildren. On the one hand: I didn’t earn it, it’s not my money, I hadn’t expected it or laid any claim to it or even really thought about it until someone said something to me. On the other: it feels like a strong and rather stark statement of what this parent feels is worth investing in. Which is, not their children or grandchildren. This is amazing to me because there is not a particle of my resources that I would not allocate to the flourishing of my children and in their children and seeing that this parent would rather directly support a local wetlands or art museum — which yes are wonderful things —- rather than investing in the upbringing of their children and grandchildren into the kind of people who would support wetlands and art museums anyway — and apparently does not worry about the hurt this could cause, was unexpectedly wracking. This parent never really understood or honestly particularly liked me even though they tried their noble best to be a good parent, and even though I am a grown woman with grown children of my own, it stings surprisingly sharply to receive that one last withholding of approval of what I have done with my life and what is important to me, which is my own children's upbringing and education.
II'm so sorry you've had to go through that. All those feelings of rejection you had as a small girl are inevitably reopened with a will like that.
I often read wills for my family history research and they can be fascinating documents. I read one from the 1500s where a woman was dishing out mourning rings and specified that they should have death's heads on them, which made her sound like an early Goth! Another one, written by a farmer, left one of his sons his muck pile. Imagine how that could've been taken. "Oh, thanks, Dad, for the big heap of crap you've left me!" Of course, he was no doubt pleased to receive all that delightful fertiliser. Another woman left a unicorn's horn!
Aside from the more unusual bequests, sometimes personal opinion comes through - the man who was going to disinherit the daughter who wanted to go to France and become a nun. The parents and grandparents who insist their children don't marry certain people and risk disinheritance (Middlemarch-esque). The unmarried Georgian gent who left everything among his many "natural children" (about ten) he'd had by his housekeeper. The farmer who leaves his son all his property but weighs it down with so many legacies and annuities to everyone else that the property becomes worthless, which was likely not the testator's intention, but how dismal that must've been. I wonder if that poor son questioned how much his father loved him? Perhaps... Although we'll never know.
Wow. What a read. And from your essay and so many comments in response it seems maybe the most devastating effect of this kind of decision is the uncertainty it leaves the disinherited child. Maybe the parent didn’t mean it, or even consider it, but a final act that leaves a child with profound questions that necessarily never can be answered is an injustice no child deserves.
Your insight is a beautiful, graceful thing in the face of hurt and uncertainty. I knew a solicitor whose one terse adage when advising clients on their will was "no surprises". I believe he was right. Our mother (living on slender means throughout her entire life) talked tirelessly about the alterations she'd make to her will to tip the balance in favour of either myself or my sibling, depending upon how she felt about our relative needs, or whatever help she had given each of us at the time. We were both amused and relieved when at the due time we discovered that her will had actually remained unaltered in nearly three decades, and fairly split the tiny estate in half for each of us.
Thank you for sharing your story. Your mother sounds remarkable. After being left with two young children and no job I had to stand up for myself in the seventies. I fell pregnant on my first experience whilst taking my A levels and married my childhood sweetheart. We built a home on a pittance with no help from anyone. Sadly after ten years he left me for a young girl. My two boys bare the scars of their disrupted childhood. At 52 and 50 neither of them are living happy lives. It is partly my fault as I fell in love with one of my tutors and moved them to be with him in a different city. At 29 I was too young to know the damage it would to them. I am now 71 and wrestling with my will. I have given one of my sons money to help his business and I was going to deduct this from his inheritance. I have always helped my other son with smaller amounts of money throughout his life.
Interestingly I have only just begun to think I will spilt it equally. Reading your article has consolidated my thoughts .
It was so refreshing to read such a thoughtful, sincere and intelligent article that I have subscribed to your substack . Many thanks 😊 🙏.
I can so relate to these thoughts. My mum and I are close, and recently after my father's death, she was talking about her will. Idly, she mentioned that she's going to leave the bulk of it to my brother, who earns less than I do.
I was surprised by how angry and hurt I felt. Theoretically, I know that it's her money and her decision, but it brought up all the hurts and abandonment issues I had throughout my childhood. She too left me at my grandparents during a tough time. At that time, my parents were not in a good financial situation, and there was too much moving around; my grandparents represented stability. I know there were reasons.
But, I also know that in her heart, she probably is more bonded to my younger brother who came along at a more stable time, who wasn't inconvenient and didn't have to be left anywhere.
Nevertheless, however logical her decisions may seem, it hurts.
An intestacy,an unresolved estate,ten beneficiaries (cousins) and the legally appointed administrator not administrating,a financial standoff between the administrator and one beneficiary and no help because lawyers cost a lot of money. Even when there's no will there is plenty of potential strife.
I loved reding this. Thank you. I live in a country where children inherit alike, all children - you can’t disinherit your own child. This, as I see it, it’s the only correct thing to do. I too would feel hurt. But, something I have often thought about is that people who do have money have a deeper sense of them being symbolic. While people who don’t, to them money is food and a roof over their head.
Dear Daisy, what a beautiful, soulful piece. Well done for breaking the pattern and working so hard to be a loving mother to your own daughters. Your legacy will be threefold. Lots of unconditional love, equality in the will, and setting an example of how to be a strong, creative, courageous, productive woman. Your mother managed one third of this, which is maybe all that she was capable of doing, but
Oops pressed send too quickly - meant to add “but this is a legacy you inherited - maybe DNA, maybe example, maybe luck (!) but it’s a pretty wonderful legacy, so enjoy all your fabulous Daisyness.”
Daisy, I have so much to say on this.
My mother was a wonderful daughter to her own mother, she was with her daily, she loved her and she was her best friend. They went everywhere together.
For some reason my grandma left her nothing, in fact even her most precious jewelry she gave to her daughter in law that she couldnt bear. It was such a vicious act. My lovely mum thought it was maybe because grandma made the will at a time when she feared my mum would marry a man and move abroad- however we will never know. I cannot think about my grandmother in any loving way since then, and I think my sisters feel the same.
When my own mum died, she had told us in advance that the money would go to my sister who had greater need. Me and my other sister accepted this completely. However when i got my mum's ring (my inheritance), and on getting it reset discovered it was worth 80 euro, I am ashamed to admit I sat and cried like a baby. is that how much she loved me? or didnt love me?
My older sister told me that it was the ring she always wore and that it was a precious one to her and I have moved on since then. However like you I am fierce on the subject of my own inheritance. my 2 children will get EXACTLY the same. In fact I am finalizing my will now and I will send it to them both. My boy who hasnt got married or bought a house will be compensated for the fact that I have given that to his sister- and they both accept that as fair. I will never ever plant in their minds the insidious thought that in some way either of them, who i would happily die for, means less to me than the other.
As a sidenote my first husband, when his father died, discovered that the family home was going wholly to his sister. He had been led to believe (wilfully deceived as he puts it) into thinking that it would be halved between them. He said if he had been told he could have accepted it as her need was far greater. However a lot of cover ups were done and as a result he has no communication at all today with his mother or sister. in fact they are no longer a family. This breaks my childrens hearts, it is terribly sad as my mother in law, to whom I am still close, was actually a very good mother. All very sad and unnecessary.
strongly agree with all of the above
Thank you. It is good we are able to share this and the lasting effects that wills have.
I am sorting through some family papers at the moment and found the letter that was sent to my father after my grandmother died. It’s complicated to get into but basically my Nana left nearly everything to her younger son’s son.
Fair enough in many ways – he cared for her and visited regularly, which is more than most of us did. But so did my older sister who spent many hours round there being treated like dirt while remaining loyal and kind. (Nana was an awful person who openly favoured her younger, whiter son and his children)
Nana didn’t have much to leave, I don’t think, but that was because that younger favourite son had remortgaged her house and stolen money from her (he popped up on That’s Life once, being exposed as a charity thief). He also stole money from my father and went to prison for fraud when they were in business together, ruining my father’s reputation and pushing him towards his first heart attack.
So the fact that nearly anything Nana did have was left to my uncle’s son struck me as unfair to my sister even at the time. Worse, Nana left me and two other unmarried sisters (yes there are loads of us) £1000 each, which had been bequeathed by her long-dead husband who I never knew. My brother also got nothing.
Probably I should have given the money to my older sister but I think it most likely went on student debt instead.
(Having written all this out, I wonder if my uncle’s son did deserve it more than anyone else – if only because his own father was such a dreadful crook and probably not a great father… but I expect HIS sister might feel differently.)
I am so sorry ❤️🩹
This piece couldn't have come at a better time. It's beautiful and incredibly moving and also impressive that you are rising above. I am mostly estranged from my mother by choice, who I love deeply. She wrote to me last week saying that she was having a hard time putting me in her will given the lack of relationship and that if I wanted to be included I needed to respond (within a time frame) to let her know if I would "work" on it. This pained me deeply. I chose to write her and tell that she should do whatever she wanted with her money in the spirit of love. And, that we were in indeed in a relationship as I would also be her daughter, but for now I need to love her from afar. She, unsurprisingly, disagreed. In the end, I chose myself. I'd rather be financially strained with my mental health intact rather spend the next 15 years dancing for something I'm not even sure would come my way. My father too has made it clear that there is nothing left after a second marriage and two additional children. I am the eldest of his four. You touched me when you said that it's not really about the money, it's about the love and I am beginning to grieve this piece now, which is devastating. Thank you for sharing this, it really resonated.
‘Dancing for something that wouldn’t necessarily come your way.’ This is the story of my own experience, well defined.
People who hold their will as a sort of ransom, or indeed blackmail, as they are alive seeking emotional payment in obeisance are evil. I do not know another way to put it. Their self importance is of greater value than their love. I suppose this is defined as Narcissism.
Thank you for simplifying my own experience through your words, helping to make me realize I have been right in my decisions not to play to their dysfunction.
Glad to be of use.
Your story is quite astounding and beautifully told. I didn’t expect to come across something like it here, and suspect I will be processing it for some time. 🤲🏻
It is indeed classic narcissism and can knock the wind out of you. I'm sorry you're also struggling, but proud your taking care of yourself.
🤲🏻 we hold it together as much as we can.
Thank you for writing this. I'm going through this right now and you summed it all up nicely. Hugs to you and congrats for taking care of yourself.
I’m so sorry. It truly is so painful. Sending a big hug right back and thank you. ❤️
this isn't love via inheritance, its a way of controlling and possibly hurting you.
Fully agree! I did not take the bait! ❤️
I am sorry to read your pain. I have been through similar and know it. You have done the right thing. Self-preservation must be your priority. Sometime after the deaths you will have time to find peace with your relationships with these parents. And occasionally Phillip Larkin will enter your head as you battle your mental health. Good luck with the long road.
What an incredible story. My ears pricked up when you mentioned that your mum left you and your little brother. I was in the same situation… mine left me and my brother at 4 and 3 respectively for a man she fell passionately in love with. They’re still together after 40 + years, and there’s been a lot of prolonged healing, but it certainly raises eternal questions. How wonderful that you prioritised your sibling relationships over the bitterness of a legal dispute ❤️
How awful for you, I am so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for your kind words! I did once get an entire comedy show out of it, so every cloud…
This is beautifully written, I felt like I was momentarily in the room with your mother. I am so sad for you that she made this decision. A branch of my family was riven apart by a similar situation and the further failure of siblings to right a perceived parental wrong.
Wow thank you so much for writing this, and so powerfully. I am the older of two girls (I’m now 63) and my mother who was already an alcoholic when I was preschool, decided she didn’t like me much when I was about 3 or 4 and quite critical. That never changed though she appeared to dote on my 4 years younger sister. I never saw her again after I was about 12 though I think my sister had some contact. When she died (when I was about 30) and left a will I was convinced she would have left me nothing and you are right - it wasn’t about the money - it was (to me) all about my value to her. In the event she left what little she had to be divided equally between my sister and I and it meant everything. It has meant I have been able to rebuild a relationship in my head with her that never happened in life. Even allow her space in my head. It meant I came to terms with everything. I have subsequently pleaded with in-laws not to cut estranged offspring out (to no avail) and met my now partner who experienced the same fate as the offspring of a first marriage where the estate was left to the children of the second. How one feels about it is rarely about the money.
so true
Inheritance is a curse, isn't it? I often cringe at the attitude of middle-aged people who keep a beady eye on their parent's assets and treat it as wealth-in-waiting. My father, when he was in his sixties and I had a nice (mortgaged) house and an OK job, spoke to me once about some money he was giving my sister to "help her out" because he didn't want me finding out when he was dead in case I felt resentful. I told him I was OK with what he was doing. As youth they had given me a loan for a car which they somehow never bothered to make me repay. They were kind people - not wealthy but comfortable thanks to pensions. I knew if I was in trouble they would try to help me out, but there was little worry of that. So I told him "I don't want to inherit anything and you will be a fool if you leave a lot behind". I wanted he and Mum to enjoy what they had worked for and for him to leave Mum comfortable if she outlived him. That's precisely what happened and, by luck or judgement, their funds lasted until she was 98 even though she needed 2 expensive years of home care before she finally died. The jealousy and misery caused by rows over wills leave a nasty taste in my mouth and I am glad it was avoided in my case. If I had the power, I would make inheritance tax so penal that people would distribute most of their wealth within their lifetime to family or good causes. I find the passing on of power and privilege obscene.
I totally agree
I am mentally applauding your attitude. Bravo.
The problem with redistribution within lifetime is where do we live and how do we pay the bills?
It's a solution for people who don't have to worry about paying the bills! Also people should downsize and release capital if they own an unnecessarily large home. Enjoy your life. Kind and caring children will be delighted for you.
No, I don't believe inheritance is a curse. It just simply comes down to people and how they act, either from justice and charity, or from other motives. You cannot separate charity from justice, without ushering in chaos.
I will never forget the angst and anguish a colleague had when her mother left her sister everything for the same reason as your mother, Daisy. It is true that Jane didn't need the money and her sister did, but her difficult journey with her bi-polar mother did not need to end on yet another punch in the gut - this one from beyond the grave.
I recently created a new will. My estranged eldest daughter, who has been frugal and has invested wisely and does not "need" the money, will have an equal share of my estate.
It is up to her if she wishes to share it with her three less financially secure siblings, but there is no way I would deny her that choice.
Thank you from a deeply pained, estranged eldest daughter.
My natal family never had much beyond basics so I never gave inheritance a moment’s notice; that's rich people stuff. Due to a good third marriage and wise resource management after children left the nest, one of my parents is reasonably comfortable in retirement and I am pleased about this; this person worked tirelessly to keep food on the table over the years and deserves to enjoy a nice cozy home and some hobbies in the sunset years. I made my way in adult life with essentially no support, financial or otherwise, from either parent. It shocked me that it shocked me when another relative shared that this parent stated to her (no one has said anything to me) that any assets left at end of life will go to local charity and not to children or grandchildren. On the one hand: I didn’t earn it, it’s not my money, I hadn’t expected it or laid any claim to it or even really thought about it until someone said something to me. On the other: it feels like a strong and rather stark statement of what this parent feels is worth investing in. Which is, not their children or grandchildren. This is amazing to me because there is not a particle of my resources that I would not allocate to the flourishing of my children and in their children and seeing that this parent would rather directly support a local wetlands or art museum — which yes are wonderful things —- rather than investing in the upbringing of their children and grandchildren into the kind of people who would support wetlands and art museums anyway — and apparently does not worry about the hurt this could cause, was unexpectedly wracking. This parent never really understood or honestly particularly liked me even though they tried their noble best to be a good parent, and even though I am a grown woman with grown children of my own, it stings surprisingly sharply to receive that one last withholding of approval of what I have done with my life and what is important to me, which is my own children's upbringing and education.
II'm so sorry you've had to go through that. All those feelings of rejection you had as a small girl are inevitably reopened with a will like that.
I often read wills for my family history research and they can be fascinating documents. I read one from the 1500s where a woman was dishing out mourning rings and specified that they should have death's heads on them, which made her sound like an early Goth! Another one, written by a farmer, left one of his sons his muck pile. Imagine how that could've been taken. "Oh, thanks, Dad, for the big heap of crap you've left me!" Of course, he was no doubt pleased to receive all that delightful fertiliser. Another woman left a unicorn's horn!
Aside from the more unusual bequests, sometimes personal opinion comes through - the man who was going to disinherit the daughter who wanted to go to France and become a nun. The parents and grandparents who insist their children don't marry certain people and risk disinheritance (Middlemarch-esque). The unmarried Georgian gent who left everything among his many "natural children" (about ten) he'd had by his housekeeper. The farmer who leaves his son all his property but weighs it down with so many legacies and annuities to everyone else that the property becomes worthless, which was likely not the testator's intention, but how dismal that must've been. I wonder if that poor son questioned how much his father loved him? Perhaps... Although we'll never know.
The last one sounds like Bleak House!
It actually ended up in a non-fiction book I read because the farmer's granddaughter was an enthusiastic witness in a poisoning trial in the 1840s!
Sorry, I meant "wrote", not "read". And I've gone off on an enormous tangent from the original point of this post, so I apologise.
I was fascinated
Wow. What a read. And from your essay and so many comments in response it seems maybe the most devastating effect of this kind of decision is the uncertainty it leaves the disinherited child. Maybe the parent didn’t mean it, or even consider it, but a final act that leaves a child with profound questions that necessarily never can be answered is an injustice no child deserves.
Your insight is a beautiful, graceful thing in the face of hurt and uncertainty. I knew a solicitor whose one terse adage when advising clients on their will was "no surprises". I believe he was right. Our mother (living on slender means throughout her entire life) talked tirelessly about the alterations she'd make to her will to tip the balance in favour of either myself or my sibling, depending upon how she felt about our relative needs, or whatever help she had given each of us at the time. We were both amused and relieved when at the due time we discovered that her will had actually remained unaltered in nearly three decades, and fairly split the tiny estate in half for each of us.
Thank you for sharing your story. Your mother sounds remarkable. After being left with two young children and no job I had to stand up for myself in the seventies. I fell pregnant on my first experience whilst taking my A levels and married my childhood sweetheart. We built a home on a pittance with no help from anyone. Sadly after ten years he left me for a young girl. My two boys bare the scars of their disrupted childhood. At 52 and 50 neither of them are living happy lives. It is partly my fault as I fell in love with one of my tutors and moved them to be with him in a different city. At 29 I was too young to know the damage it would to them. I am now 71 and wrestling with my will. I have given one of my sons money to help his business and I was going to deduct this from his inheritance. I have always helped my other son with smaller amounts of money throughout his life.
Interestingly I have only just begun to think I will spilt it equally. Reading your article has consolidated my thoughts .
It was so refreshing to read such a thoughtful, sincere and intelligent article that I have subscribed to your substack . Many thanks 😊 🙏.
I can so relate to these thoughts. My mum and I are close, and recently after my father's death, she was talking about her will. Idly, she mentioned that she's going to leave the bulk of it to my brother, who earns less than I do.
I was surprised by how angry and hurt I felt. Theoretically, I know that it's her money and her decision, but it brought up all the hurts and abandonment issues I had throughout my childhood. She too left me at my grandparents during a tough time. At that time, my parents were not in a good financial situation, and there was too much moving around; my grandparents represented stability. I know there were reasons.
But, I also know that in her heart, she probably is more bonded to my younger brother who came along at a more stable time, who wasn't inconvenient and didn't have to be left anywhere.
Nevertheless, however logical her decisions may seem, it hurts.
An intestacy,an unresolved estate,ten beneficiaries (cousins) and the legally appointed administrator not administrating,a financial standoff between the administrator and one beneficiary and no help because lawyers cost a lot of money. Even when there's no will there is plenty of potential strife.
for sure
I loved reding this. Thank you. I live in a country where children inherit alike, all children - you can’t disinherit your own child. This, as I see it, it’s the only correct thing to do. I too would feel hurt. But, something I have often thought about is that people who do have money have a deeper sense of them being symbolic. While people who don’t, to them money is food and a roof over their head.
Dear Daisy, what a beautiful, soulful piece. Well done for breaking the pattern and working so hard to be a loving mother to your own daughters. Your legacy will be threefold. Lots of unconditional love, equality in the will, and setting an example of how to be a strong, creative, courageous, productive woman. Your mother managed one third of this, which is maybe all that she was capable of doing, but
ahh that is so kind Georgia - thank you xxx
Oops pressed send too quickly - meant to add “but this is a legacy you inherited - maybe DNA, maybe example, maybe luck (!) but it’s a pretty wonderful legacy, so enjoy all your fabulous Daisyness.”