I used to wake up in the middle of the night and read, something comforting like Wodehouse, or Austen, but now I find solace in the clutches of the insta algorithm. It has me down as the kind of consumer who is interested in arcane gadgets with an eco twist, creams that will give me the skin of a twelve years old, watering cans that will talk to my house plants, merino t shirts made from madrigal singing sheep, and strange contraptions that will make my toes straight. In the day I can resist its carefully calibrated blandishments but in the small hours when my defences are down and the demons are clustering I know that the only thing that will keep them at bay is to press the Purchase button. It’s a terrible habit and way more expensive than reading but having ordered a lot of frogs, I thought I would share the very few princes that DPD brought to my door.
The Suri toothbrush. I have had electric toothbrushes before, but the sight of them always made me wince. Bulky plasticky things that might be superior for cleaning teeth, but took up a lot of counter space and were a magnet for horrible toothpastey messes. The Suri on the other hand fits in the hand like a magic wand. Slim, sleek and light it comes with a magnetic holder that sticks to the mirror or wall. It purrs rather than buzzes which means you can listen to the Today programme while bushing your teeth. An added bonus is that it charges like a mobile phone, but unlike a phone, one charge lasts for about two weeks. Plus the heads are apparently recyclable, you collect them and send them back to Suri. I can’t verify that of course, but the body of the brush is made of aluminium so that is an improvement at least. It may not have all the fancy modes that some other brands boast , but it cleans my teeth just as effectively. Mine is a discreet mint green. Definitely a keeper.
– once the algorithm had clocked my toothbrush purchase – my ‘gram was bombarded with gadgets determined to give me the teeth of my dreams. I ignored them all until early one morning I was hooked by the sculptural form of the Life supplies toothpaste jar. Instead of a plastic tube, the toothpaste comes in a glass jar with a pump that neatly dispenses exactly the right amount of toothpaste. There is no lid to lose, no trying to squeeze out the last gobbets of toothpaste through a dried up sphincter. You fill the jar up from a pouch full of toothpaste which seems to last for ever and tastes great. The dispenser has no visible branding. I can’t really believe I am saying this, but it actually looks elegant in my bathroom.
I ordered this in a very fretful moment at 3 am seduced by the promise of a blanket that feels like a hug , and woke up in the morning full of buyer’s remorse. But when the extremely heavy package arrived ( it is not called a weighted blanket for nothing) I discovered that for once the hype was pretty accurate. The blanket is full of beads that settles over your body in a way that feels gloriously enveloping. It makes me feel held. It is the perfect thing for a nap because it calms you down instantly, and I find when I use it at night I wake up less. The brand I bought comes in a bamboo silk cover which feels cool and looks more chic than therapeutic. The only drawbacks are the price which is quite steep, but not if you value your sleep – and the weight which means it is not portable. Otherwise I would take mine with me everywhere.
I used to sleep like a baby, until I had a baby. I don’t think I have had an uninterrupted night’s sleep for the last thirty three years. In my youth I could have slept through a Black Sabbath concert, now the slightest creak or chirp of birdsong has me staring into the abyss, and the first rosy finger of dawn will prise my eyelids open. I have solved the noise problem with ear buds and white noise ( which in my case is the Rest is History podcast -gloriously soporiphic) but the light is more of an issue. I have never got round to fixing black out blinds, and the kind of sleep masks they give you on airlines are never, I find ,really light proof. But that all changed when I discovered the Drowsy sleepmask in the hours before dawn. It is like a wearing a satin duvet over your eyes, and it really does block out all light. I have a massive head and the Velcro fastening just about managed to contain my cranium without giving me bedhead. I admit it does give off a certain hostage vibe, but take my word for it, it is the best most comfortable sleep mask around.
I can’t remember where I read that this lipstick would make everyone look better, but I am profoundly grateful to whoever it was. I don’t normally wear a bright red as it frightens my husband, but this one is wonderful – arresting without being vampy. A makeup artist told me it was so flattering because it had a lilac pigment which made everyone’s teeth look whiter. The texture is creamy and it stays on past quite a few kisses. The packaging is Golden Age Hollywood and it is refillable. It looks great in photographs – this one is of me performing at a book festival in Tallinn
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The Light necklace – not the ones you wear at festivals but ones you drape round your neck so that you can see what you are doing in low light ( no sniggering at the back). If you like to do a bit of tapestry while you watch tv, as I do, then it is a godsend. Don’t let the rather medical apparearance put you off, or then again you could play doctors and nurses.
And the things that now make me cringe
Corkscrew ear cleaners – one of my small hour fears is that I am going deaf. But perhaps my ears are just blocked. These rawlplug type contraptions promised to remove ear wax with a ‘ double helix” action. The accompanying video made it all look so easy, as precise as a biopsy. The reality was neither easy nor precise. It ended up with my trying to fish the bloody thing out with a button hook. The moral of this story apart from not putting anything in your ears ever, is always have a button hook handy for emergencies.
The pet paddling pool – you would think that the manufacturers might take into account the fact that pets have claws. My dogs reduced the splash mat to a splash pancake in about thirty seconds.
The WELLTORY app. No, not an oxymoron, but an app that measures all your vital signs through your smart watch. To be fair it is very dutiful in its collecting of data, but being continually told that your energy stores are running low and that you about to run out of power like an elderly iphone is not helpful to one’s sangfroid. I hope for her sake that the current tory leader is not subscribed, she might take it personally.
Bluetooth headphone sunglasses
As a child I nursed the ambition of becoming a secret agent. This is the closest I have ever got. Not close enough sadly. Fun for five minutes and then care in the community.
The mouth guard/ jewelry cleaning ultrasonic cleaner. Promises the earth but doesn’t deliver. Made absolutely no difference to my my mouthguyard or my diamond ring. Just another plastic appliance to add to the pile of crap that even my suri toothbrush won’t cancel out.
The Adjustable standup Desk
Birch wood, clean lines, scandi design. So great until you realise that a cantilevered desk can tip over with an ill judged coffee cup .
My Instagram feed also contains a lot of dachshunds…..I have to admit to the same impulses - but so far only one dachshund. Loved it!
😂Admire your bravery in sharing this list!